The Standard New Year Post!

One of my favourite photos that I look in America, I think it sums up 2015.

I know this post is really late, but I've just updated my blog and I didn't want to post until it was all finished! I really like it, I think it reflects my personality a lot better now as I had outgrown my old template. Let me know what you think!

Normally I am really good at having a good old ramble, but so much has happened this year, good and bad, and I just don't know where to start! I don't even know if I want this to be a deep and emotional post or a light and fluffy post. Maybe I'll just throw in a bit of both?

I've just had a flick through all of the posts I wrote in 2015 (and since I didn't write many it didn't take long!) but this summarises exactly why I love blogging, because I had forgotten half those things even happened in 2015, some of them felt so long ago, and it's great having an online diary to look back on. This was last year's post and I didn't realise how much of a better place I'm in now until I actually went back and read this.

2015 was a difficult year. Although I can happily say I think it ended with me in a better place than the place I was in when it started. January-May was a manic blur, mum was very ill, I was trying to block this out really and get on with life, working 36 hours a week when I probably should have taken some time off, I didn't even tell my colleagues that she was ill. Maybe part of me was in denial, but I think it was more the fact that I didn't want to be asked about it constantly, I didn't want to bring that part of my life to work and maybe I also used work as a form of escape. But I did go to work every day dreading having that phone call that she had gone. I felt like I was living in limbo, I've never said this before but I wanted my mum to die. She wanted to die, she had said as much and for such a strong and amazing person to be destroyed by cancer, hardly able to speak or move near the end, and when she did speak it wasn't her at all. She had never said a mean thing to me in her life until those final months. It was just so awful for all of us. I just wanted her to be let free of her pain and I knew we could never get the old her back, instead we were left with a shell of a person that was just waiting to die. I don't think anyone can ever understand unless you have been in that position yourself. For me it was about preserving the good memories of her that I had and trying my best not to let these terrible new memories take over. I think I will write a post on grief soon. Because personally a large part of my grief happened before my mum died, because in my mind I had lost her a long time before she was actually gone, and that was very difficult to deal with alone because very few people knew what was going on. 

In May mum died, and I wrote a personal post saying goodbye. Although how I felt was horrendous, I want to look back and be able to remember those feelings one day. Maybe when things get bad I can reassure myself I've been through worse. We spent a lot of that month crying and pulling together as a family. But I didn't let the pain stop me living. Me and my best friend had booked a trip to London a month before which fell a week after Mum's death to the day. My friend of course said we didn't have to go, but I thought about it and Mum would have said well why wouldn't you go?! So we went, and I had an amazing time. You can't stop living just because someone has died, and you know what, living is actually a brilliant distraction. 

I then convinced my Dad to let me get a dog. Now I'm not exaggerating, I'm 23 and for 22 years of my life I had asked and asked my Dad for a dog. I think I finally gave up aged about 20. And I know it may seem a bit insensitive to put that pressure on my Dad at such a difficult time. And I do know he only caved because he felt sorry for me because Mum was my best friend, but I honestly knew it was the best thing to do for me, my Dad and my brother, not just myself. Theo arrived in our lives and instantly proved a massive distraction, something that needed constant care and attention. Our house had been so hectic when mum was alive, there were constantly carers and nurses rushing in and out, and suddenly when she had gone it was so silent and empty. Theo came charging into that silent and empty space and filled it up again. He is the most loving and adoring dog, he's so happy all the time and you can't look at him and be sad. Of course he quickly turned into my Dad's dog rather than mine, and even though dad claimed to not like dogs, Theo sleeps in Dad's bed with him every night. But I'm still the one he comes to if he wants a cuddle and a fuss. 

The summer consisted of me trying my best to get back into a normal routine and living my life. I had been accepted onto an MSc course, booked a holiday to Zante, went to see Taylor Swift in Hyde Park which was amazing and we were blessed with the weather! I actually visited London four times in 2015, mainly to meet up with friends that I met in America. Me and my best friend then decided to take the plunge and signed up for a half marathon in September! We didn't have that much time to train as we were used to just running 6 miles every couple of weeks, and we had to up this to 13.5 in just a couple of months! But we managed to run the whole thing and raised over £900 for Macmillan Cancer Support, which I am still over the moon about! I did actually write a whole section about fitness, but it was huge and I decided it needed its own post. So that's what I've done and I'll be posting that soon! But to summarise the second half of 2015 was a good year fitness wise, and I have some good plans for 2016! 

Zante

Berlin Zoo

The Robin Hood Half Marathon

Ready to race!

Hyde Park

September saw me start back at university, only part time which is one day a week as I still work 30 hours a week, but it was still a shock to the system! I found the step up to MSc very hard, but I still enjoyed being back at uni, there's just something about being a student that I love! It also gave me a sense of purpose, knowing what I actually want to do in life and having a goal, which is nice. I haven't done that much since September to be honest, I've met up with some friends, had workout classes during the week, went to some Halloween parties and enjoyed the Christmas festivities! Although Christmas was a hectic blur this year as working in retail it always is, but add assignments due December/January to that and there wasn't many spare minutes!

2015 seems to have flown by, but then when I look back at some of the things that happened, they do seem so long ago. Here's a few random things that I loved in 2015:

The Walking Dead
Theo
Benefit Hoola Bronzer
MAC Velvet Teddy
I found a new love for lip liners, particularly MAC's Whirl!
French Plaits/Braids
A spontaneous trip to Berlin
Not having to defrost the car (although I've had to the last few days!)
Being back at uni (part time)
Reading more
Having more confidence

What I want to achieve in 2016

So in my Blogger Planner there was a page for New Years Resolutions, which I wrote down and I'll type up here too, but I also added my own little list of things I don't need to work on this year, just as a little boost to my confidence to remind myself I am doing alright! Here's what I wrote:

2016 Resolutions:

1. Start assignments earlier (after having the horrendous experience of writing 9,000 words over Christmas!)
2. Continue working out
3. Eat healthier
4. Cook more meals and a greater variety of healthy meals
5. Blog more
6. Use my planner more
7. Do more kind things
8. Visit a new country
9. Do another fitness challenge
10. Walk the dog more
11. Get some planning experience

And what I don't need to do...

1. See friends more, I've seen them all a lot last year!
2. Say yes to more opportunities, again I said yes to a lot of opportunities last year.
3. Get a boyfriend! There's so much pressure these days, and I refuse to force anything.
4. Get up earlier, I did a pretty good job of that last year!

I hope you all had an amazing 2015, and have an even better 2016!